I have always heard about this thing called Nursing Aversion. Since becoming pregnant people have asked me how I deal with it. I usually just say “I suck it up and move on.” What I didn’t know at the time was that I wasn’t really experiencing Nursing Aversion!
The other night, March 6, 2014 starting at approximately 10:30pm, yes, I remember it that clearly. I was nursing Jack to sleep. He had been having trouble falling asleep that night and the night before. We were rocking in the rocking chair as we always do and it was getting really long. I was getting tired and just wanted him to fall asleep. Sounds pretty normal, right? It is around here at least…
Well, things started to change for me over the next 2 hours in a way they never have. I started to feel more irritated than usual. It wasn’t even really at him. Just in general. My nipples started to feel sensitive in a strange new way. It didn’t hurt; it wasn’t like anything I had ever felt. It made me recoil. I had to pull my nipple out of his mouth. Fast. I was overcome with a physical in my nipple of stinging, prickling and buzzing and a creepy crawly feeling all over my body; an emotional feeling of disgust mixed with fear mixed with irritation mixed with the heebeegeebees. Mostly the heebeegeebees. It was different from feeling touched-out when my emotions are directed at Jack. This was not.
Jack wanted to nurse. It was going on for a long time now and I just wanted him to fall asleep and knew he wouldn’t without my boob. So I kept trying again and again. His loose latch made the feeling even more intense. I was overcome with this desire to push him away and pull up my shirt. I said “nurse or don’t! Not this in between thing!” He obviously didn’t understand and said “I need boobie!”
I started wishing for pain. Breastfeeding was so painful when I first got pregnant. I was longing for that type of pain to stomp out this feeling. I became so emotionally agitated by this foreign feeling that I started wishing to hammer my nipple or that Jack would bite me really hard or that I could smash my head through the window. I even started to pinch the side of breast as he nursed hoping that the pain would overpower the weird sensation and emotional state that I was in. Nothing helped.
I remembered trying to be really calm. My agitation was just agitating Jack. I started to talk to him about how I was getting frustrated and that it was hurting my nipple. I asked if we could please take a break. Jack would say “bye bye boobie” and pull up my shirt and just lay his head on my chest. (I suppose the benefit of this happening with a toddler is that you can explain it to them.) But he inevitably started to try to nurse over my shirt and poke at my boob. It just brought me right back into that weird and dark place.
I thought about getting my husband to take over, but I felt like sleep was so close that I wanted to just get there the fastest route possible. Which is boob. I thought about this blog post that I would share with all of you. I thought “oh, wow, this must be that Nursing Aversion I keep hearing about!” This is really much more than just being irritated, touched-out or in pain. I get it now! And it is nearly impossible to explain in words.
Jack is also the master at twiddling the other nipple. Since being pregnant this has been a huge no-no. I just can’t deal with it. I simply pull his hand away and say “that hurts mama.” He hasn’t slowed down one bit with trying to do it, but I just keep repeating the same thing over and over. That night I could sense he was going to do it even before his hand moved. It’s like I could read his thoughts. I wanted to crawl into a hole in the Earth or, even better, take a bat to my house and knock it down one swing at a time. I told Jack again that I was frustrated and he said “that makes me sad.” I wanted to die all over again!
I try to be pretty rational about things; when wild things are happening to me I try to talk to myself like some snooty professor at an Ivy League college. “I do believe that this is within the realm of normal human experience and perfectly understandable that in this situation one might have these thoughts, feelings or behaviors.” It was like some Twilight Zone alternate universe where the emotional side and rational side of me were operating simultaneously. I didn’t feel in danger of hurting myself or my child because I was able to be so rational about the thoughts I was having, but I was so overcome by an emotion that I had literally never felt before that I just wanted to run out of the house and down the street and run, just run, for-fucking-ever.
Ok, so I am a pretty dramatic writer and this might sound like a crazy person is writing this, but now that it is daytime and the emotion has passed I know that I could have just walked in to get my husband had I needed to. I see this as just another intense experience in this journey of motherhood that keeps knocking me down, waiting for me to get up, and then knocking me down again. I guess that is just what we do. Keep getting up, keep coming back, keep sharing our stories and leaning on each other. If you have never experienced this, please don’t let it scare you. It doesn’t happen to everyone and if it does happen you can find support in several places. (linked at the end)
People are already asking “why don’t you just wean?” Well, I don’t want to. I still feel that the benefits of breastfeeding Jack outweigh this negative experience. If it happened every time I breastfed then I might have a different answer, but it happened just the one time so far and I don’t make decisions based on one experience. When I talked to my husband about it he said “your breastfeeding relationship is a 2-way street.” He is right. I have to take my own feelings into as much consideration as Jack’s. I have had to balance this for 2 ½ years and will continue to do so while keeping my breastfeeding goals in focus. This is what this blog is all about; finding the strength to do what I feel is right despite the criticism of others. Only a mother and baby can know what is best for them.
The biggest impact this experience has had on me is showing me just how primal breastfeeding is. It connects us to all other mammals since the beginning of time and is tied to instincts, reflexes and emotions so deep they can’t be explained logically. I am once again in awe of what Jack is teaching me about being human.
Abby Theuring, MSW
Resources:
7 Tips to Help Cope with Nursing Aversion
Nursing Aversion Support Group
Nursing Aversion Tips on Dealing
Creating Boundaries/Positive Weaning
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Thank you so much for this and so helpful to read all the comments with others experiences... and I'm so glad I chose to turn to google to see if anything came up! But also realizing I need more support. I have a 14 month old and have been experiencing this mostly at night for awhile now.. probably 1-2 months, not every night but man it is persistent. I really relate to the desire for pain... it's so odd. At first I was literally hitting myself in the head and pulling my hair, pinching my boob or my hand. Definitely thought I was going crazy. It hasn't been so bad lately or maybe I'm learning to cope with it better but ummm I just pulled my hair a little a few minutes ago while nursing. I don't want to wean but need to find a way to cope or to help it go away. I'm wondering if exercising more would help? Ugh we'll see
I don’t know about you, but I have notoced BAA is much worse emotionally, physically and in terms of weathering through when I’m not well rested or flat out sleep deprived.
Oh my...just had an episode of that..,desperate to find an answer I came across this and...it feels so good knowing that I am not alone in this. The way you describe it' s sooo accurate, I am literally crying. My LO is only 9 months and do not want to stop breastfeeding, but it's so frustrating...being tired from the sleepless 9 months so far, being frustrated that I no longer can do other things I'd wish I'd do and many other frustrations, they all add up and I feel like I've become this super crazy persons I do not like at all and I often feel ashamed and also shocked by my thoughts and reactions towards this (I find myself sometimes screaming my lungs out silently with baby in my arms so that I don't terrify him- although he looks at me with eyes wide open, not knowing what to make of my grimases). Why on earth is this happening and how long will it last???! I want to be a normal and calm person again. Is it because of me being mentally exhausted and wanting to sleep like normal people do? I do not mind night nursing, and I love him wanting to sleep with his head on my chest or shoulder and sometimes sleep all over me, but not at night time (when husband's falling back to sleep and starting snoring and me having trouble to get back to sleep). We had wonderful times at night sometimes. He would wake up, feed and fall asleep again. Wish those times would come back again...
And here I was thinking I was going crazy! Thank you so much for reassuring me that I'm not...well yet. I'm nursing my 4 month old and my 2 1/2 yo and this happens to me only when I feed my eldest. Just to say, i have stormed out the house, running. Did not know what the hell happened to me. It was during a 5 am feed. And now it happens nearly everytime I feed him. Now I'm making sure that my husband knows about this and I'm thinking of going to see my GP to see if there is any help out there on the UK's health service. Nursing aversion needs to be more understood and health practitioners need to talk about it to woman who plan on tandem feeding. I wish I was warned, by a midwife or doctor. I can't believe that I had never heard of this before.
Thank you for posting this. I've struggled all the way through nursing and this has happened to me a few times along the way. My now 17month old was unplanned and... Badly timed to say the least but I'm trying , I really am. The first time this happens to me I just thought that all those bad thoughts were really just finally tearing me apart. Even the if it happens again it is Such a comfort to know that I'm not alone.
I have never commented on a blog post of someone I don't know before- but I'm sitting here in tears of thankfulness that this is actually a thing and that I'm not a crazy and terrible mother. I'm nursing my 17 month old and I've had this a few times since he was born- he's my 3rd and I didn't experience it to the same intensity with his siblings. I had it in the early days when I wasn't getting any sleep- and I find now it's much more pronounced when he's had a few bad nights a dim tired. The problem is, now that he's older- if I get it, my body goes so tense and he notices and starts crying and it makes me feel so terrible but the sensation is still there. I literally sit there swearing in my mind thinking to myself terrible, horrible things of doing to him or to myself or to my house or whatever- biting my fingers to try and cause pain elsewhere to take away the sensation I'm having. I've always described it as rage or anger but after reading you're right- it's really indescribable and can't really fit into a specific mild of feelings or behaviours. It's such an awful feeling. Despite all this I still love breastfeeding. This usually happens to me for a few days straight each time I breastfeed- the worst being the feed before bed. And then it'll go away for months at a time! Anyway, I'm reading all the comments just thankful I'm not alone. Thank you so much for posting.
Thanks so much for this piece. I am 35 weeks pregnant and nursing my 2.5 year old. Suddenly I have nursing aversion exactly like what you described. It's awful and in the moment I just want to rage-quit and run to the bathroom to cry. Or smash the walls. And in between nursing, it is just depressing that I feel this way and I dread nap and bedime because thats when she nurses. I hope it gets better soon, because it's not fair to my muffin.
I became pregnant with baby #3 when baby #2 was 11 months old and breastfeeding (often, all night, etc). She was my first breastfed baby, so i never experienced pregnancy while nursing. I read a lot of articles detailing loss of milk supply and the baby choosing to wean, but NOT A WORD about "nursing aversion". Suddenly, I was overcome with the agitated/creepy-crawly/GET-OFF-MY-NIPPLE-NOW/heebyjebbies-everywhere feeling. I couldnt stand it. I tried but weaned her abruptly (she started nursing again at 21 months until after her 3rd bday!). Now I am expecting baby #4 and nursing 20 month old baby #3, I expected to experience the nursing aversion again. I was trying to mentally prepare myself for it because it was HORRIBLE forcing my daughter to wean at 11 months with no forewarning. But thus far (11 weeks pregnant) I have lost most of my milk yet NO nursing aversion. I really, really hope it doesnt happen again. I think your 100% right that anyone who thinks they experienced it but just shrugs it off did NOT experience it!! It is NOT being touched out, tired, annoyed, or anything like that. It is a unique and GOD AWFUL feeling. The loose toddler latch really made it SO much worse, as you mentioned. I also wished for pain! Pain i can handle, but nursing aversion...ugh..no.
I, too, have been having the "heebeegeebees" recently when I nurse my 19mo daughter. I'm also 24 weeks pregnant. It could be a change in hormones, but whatever it is, I hate it. It makes me feel gross. I think it may be due to my husband starting to play with my breasts when we are intimate, because I haven't been used to that. Anyways, I'm ready for her to stop feeding now from the odd feeling it brings. I'm glad I'm not alone.
I had this with my daughter, it was horrible. I didn't have it all the time luckily, and I loved breastfeeding. I'm really hoping I don't get it with my son.
I also experienced this while I was pumping with my electric Breast pump. Has anyone else had something similar happen, or just with breastfeeding?
Im not sure but i am having seriois issues attempting to pump in preparation for my return to work. It is sooooo uncomfortable i can barely sit still while doing it. I get all sweaty and hot and then only get less than a half ounce from each breast. Very discouraging and then i get really sad because im afraid i wont be able to do it once i go back to work. Not really the same bec i did experience this with my first baby while pregnant with number 2. Im on leave with number 3 now and cry every time going to work comes up whether it be attempting to pump or a call from diaability to tell me when im supposed to go back
Thank you for writing this... This past week I've been experiencing something similar--that tingly, aggravated, trapped feeling as I nurse my 20 month old. Unfortunately, it's coincided with a time when she seems to really need me (or maybe she senses my aversion?) I figured that maybe it was a sign that I was just done with breastfeeding. It's good to have a name to it and to know that it, too, shall pass.