5 Tips for Gently Weaning the Highly Sensitive Child

Nothing about breastfeeding has gone the way that I planned and weaning is no exception. I have been breastfeeding for more than 3 years and tandem breastfeeding for 5 months. The magical days of breastfeeding are over. Now it’s just another part of life that I sometimes enjoy and sometimes despise. At 3 years and 3 months old my oldest son, Jack, breastfeeds more often than I ever expected a toddler would. Tandem breastfeeding has not been the amazing joy ride I thought it would be. I have found myself overwhelmed, touched-out and drained. I needed to make some changes. These are changes that are essentially designed to create boundaries for my 3-year-old. The 5 month old, Exley, needs to be breastfed on demand and this mama needs some energy and sanity leftover to survive. These boundaries are being created and they will not be loosened somewhere down the road so this is basically what starting gentle weaning looks like for us.

Jack is a highly sensitive child. I mean it with every fiber of my being. His sensitivity affects every aspect of his life and our relationship. Including breastfeeding. So when I discussed my feelings with my husband and we agreed that weaning is something that we need to consider we knew that it wouldn’t be a “cold turkey” situation. If we want to continue to meet Jack’s needs and respect his emotions we would need to tread lightly. We knew this would be a process.

I am not a breastfeeding professional. I am just a mom who has a sensitive child who has tried any things to create boundaries. I share what has worked for us here.

Start talking: I spend a lot of time explaining to Jack that he can eat burgers, eggs, sandwiches, fruit, etc. that a baby can’t eat. I try to make food sound exciting and like he is getting something special that a baby can’t have. I tell him needs food and water to grow big and strong. I am careful to do this when it feels like he is able to hear it. Explaining to Jack that he is not a baby anymore and has different needs can cause him stress and make him feel left out so I am always validating his feelings. “It’s hard having a new baby, isn’t it?” “You used to have all of the boobie for yourself and now you have to share, that’s so hard.” “It’s upsetting to see a baby having boobie all the time.” There are other times when he does not want to have this conversation. He might regress into a “baby” and want to be held, wrapped in blankets and treated like a baby. We always feed into this need, wrap him in a blanket and say “look at the adorable new baby!”
Get Out: It really sucks to get out of bed and immediately start working toward heading out of the door. I would much rather sit and drink coffee while watching the morning rerun of Dr. Phil, but this inevitably leads to Jack wanting to hang out on my boob. I look like shit and my kids pants’ are on crooked, but soon enough Exley is dozing in the carrier and Jack is climbing the ropes at the playground not thinking about boobie. Grandma and a babysitter help with this too!
Tap Your Watch: I mean don’t actually do that because that’s obnoxious, but let your kiddo know that you will be nursing for X amount of time. And then I do the countdown. This is whatever you want. Maybe you do 5 minutes and then countdown the last 20 seconds. I can’t last that long. I do about 1 or 2 minutes and I countdown from ten. Jack knows that it’s time to let go. He usually complies, but if he struggles then I use it as an opportunity to teach him about bodily autonomy. “I am asking you to stop. Please stop, this is my body.”
Distraction: When we first started out on this venture we stocked up on food, games, art supplies, etc. We try to keep Jack on his toes all day long. “Check out this awesome new food you have never had,” “look at this new game mommy invented,” “do you want some chocolate?” Yep, when the going gets tough the tough give in. There have been times during this postpartum period that a few pieces of chocolate chips helped saved my sanity. We also spend time with Jack talking about ways he can cope with his emotions since breastfeeding has always been his main means of coping; such as deep breathing, talking with mom and dad, hugging, telling stories, etc.
3 Meals a Day: I have identified the most important nursing sessions of our day and I eliminated the rest. It hurts. It hurts my heart in ways that I can’t explain. It hurts in ways that I can no longer say “we” about because I know that my husband can’t understand. Only a breastfeeding mother can understand the pain of turning your child down when they want to nurse. At first I did this too much. I did this at our bedtime session a couple of times. To say it was awful is an understatement and I regret it. Jack writhed around like a heroin addict whose stash was gone. He hit me and kicked me. He cried and so did I. I had to reassess. Bedtime is too important of a session. It might be the most important one. I eventually found a balance of the most important 3 to 5 sessions a day. I do my best to keep my cool during these times. I play on my phone, make grocery lists, sing songs in my head, etc. (If you are experiencing Nursing Aversion you can find more resources here).

Jack’s sensitivity makes it harder to do things that involve change. Change is hard for Jack. Even small changes can take long periods of time to adjust to. He is sensitive to food, getting hurt, daily routines, nighttime, everything. Big emotions are BIG for Jack. Weaning is a big change for Jack. Bigger than anything in his life right now. It’s been hard. Some toddlers take to weaning easily. Not the highly sensitive child.

I always validate his feelings and do not take his behavior personally. When he acts out with temper tantrums or hitting/kicking I step back and try to identify where I need to adjust my plan. Those behaviors are a signal to me that he is not ready for whatever I am trying. It’s all a big balancing act. I have to balance my feelings of guilt, sadness, overwhelm and Jack’s feelings as well.

“So be sure when you step, step with care and great tact and remember that life’s a great balancing act.” -Dr. Seuss

Abby Theuring, MSW with contributions by Kristin Page, LCSW

*Photos by Maggie Cuprisin Photography. Please visit her website and Facebook page.

View Comments

Sara says:

July 26, 2015 at 11:35 am

Amazing! This article could have been written by me. This is my story also. Reading this article is very validating. Weaning my son has been nothing like what I expected. And the nursing aversion jas been probably the most difficult challenge of my life. (Which I think is saying something as I had my first child when I was 16.) So thank you for writing this. It means so much to me to know I am not alone. Oh and I laughed when I saw you were a LMSW. I am as wel, my social work skills come into play each day as a parent. :)
Sonya says:

July 22, 2015 at 6:38 pm

This article really means something to me right now. My 22 month old is a sensitive soul, but I'm also 8 weeks pregnant and the joy of breastfeeding seems to have left me. I have grown an aversion and I feel terrible about it. My husband and I discussed it and we felt it was time to start the gentle weaning process. It has been working well so far. Keep up the wonderful parenting. And thank you again for posting something I really needed to hear at this moment.
Rachel Shewmaker says:

January 12, 2015 at 9:07 pm

Thank you!!! so much for posting this. I have recently started to feel the need to wean my almost 20 month old. She too is very sensitive and it has been very difficult. I love the advice on identifying the most crucial nursing times and keeping those while starting to eliminate the others. We made the mistake of trying to eliminate nighttime feedings and it was awful, very much like you described with Jack. I am definitely going to invest in some chocolate chips, it can't hurt. Good luck and, oh, you are AWESOME!
Amy says:

December 17, 2014 at 9:04 pm

Dear Abby, I'm just finding this post now, and I want to give you a hug. I have SO been where you are (and seeing that this post is 2 months old, hopefully you are in a more comfortable place now.) This is such a fantastic article, and describes to a T what I had to do with my 3-yr-old when tandem-nursing became overwhelming. Setting boundaries around breastfeeding and making it ONLY part of bedtime/nap time saved our breastfeeding relationship. It was a rough transition, because, well, 3-yr-olds don't like boundaries OR change, but after a few weeks, things were SO much better. I still nursed him if he was sick or hurting or scared, but those times were few and far between. Having those boundaries, and replacing our breastfeeding with actually doing things (reading stories, dancing, singing songs, etc) helped me to meet my goal of nursing to self-weaning, and he FINALLY completely self-weaned when he was 45 months old. With no drama, no tears, no regrets, just the bittersweetness of a natural closure to that stage of his life. You are doing SO amazingly well, I love reading and sharing your blog for your insights and research, as well as for your raw honesty and the courage to post about your motherhood journey. Hats off to you, mama!
Emma says:

October 30, 2014 at 9:20 am

Abby, Jack is so fortunate to have you as his mummy, always thinking of his needs first and foremost. It makes me so sad to think of children like my very sensitive 6 month old and Jack not having their needs considered and how upset and alone they must feel. I've come under tremendous pressure from well meaning relatives with old fashioned ideas to subject my baby to schedules, controlled crying, ignoring her or I'll spoil her blah blah blah and I've ignored it all because I know she would go into utter meltdown in response. Why are we as a society so scared of listening to our babies and making them feel loved?!
Rebecca says:

October 30, 2014 at 7:58 am

Thank you so much for posting your story here. I am Currently experiencing the same and it's so comforting to read how you feel about nursing a toddler and the weaning process. I am in the process of weaning my 2 1/2 year old. This is earlier than I had wanted to wean but I too have been tandem
Feeding for the last 9 months and it has become too much for me. I was starting to feel like a really cruel mummy that I hadn't let him self wean but now I feel better. We also eliminated the least emotions ally driven feeds and eventually just kept the bedtime one. Rightly or wrongly we introduced expressed milk in a bottle (weird I know for a 2 year old to srart on a bottle but it was the only way he would accept any alternative and provided some comfort for him). He now will have diluted coconut milk as an alternative too.
Tiffiny says:

October 30, 2014 at 5:07 am

Love this! I am going through the same thing with my daughter. She will be 5 in January and while the nursing aversion stopped a few months ago, I am also nursing my 2 yr old and its SO hard to get anything done when I'm sitting around nursing one of them all the time. I have been trying to get her to cut back on how often she nurses but she is also pretty sensitive and she just started preschool so she has a lot going on right now. Its hard saying no to her and then nursing her sister. I know she really doesn't get it and I'm afraid she will start to resent her sister.
Leann says:

October 29, 2014 at 7:43 pm

Wow, It is surprising to find out that you have decided to wean and not let him go 100% natural. While I enjoy your site and many others like it, I have to admit all the empowering things I find online have also made me feel very guilty. I have been sick of nursing for awhile now. But all these blogs and things got me to just keep doing it no matter what. My son is almost 29 months and I am newly pregnant. Last week I started weaning and suddenly he has taken to it very well.
Holly says:

October 29, 2014 at 7:20 pm

My child is a little over 2 and he is also a very high sensitivity needs child. Also still nursing pretty much when he wants to. Not sure when or how self weaning will go if he hasn't done it by 3 I will start the process good to know I'm not alone!
Heather says:

October 24, 2014 at 3:13 pm

Thank you so much for your honest and courageous post/article. I have been waiting to hear what it has been like for another mother breastfeeding a sensitive child and trying to wean this beautiful type of child. It means a lot to me to have someone going through similar and sometimes difficult experiences. Please continue to share your stories. I admire your dedication and love shown both in your stories and you actions.